I’ve Been Quiet, And This Is Why

I’ve been really quiet on my blog and social media. And if I’m being honest, it’s been really hard to get back into it.

I have all these ideas, content for days..but I just don’t want to.

Because I also have a sadness, a hurt, and something that has really turned my world upside down. I have a pending divorce, a soon to be ex-husband, and a hole in my heart and in my days, too.

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I haven’t talked that much about it. I’ve done what I can not to think about it, dwell on it, or make myself relive it again and again.

But the truth is, it’s very much on my mind. It’s fresh and raw, and it’s heartbreaking. But it’s a part of my life now, and I’m learning to accept it.

The thing is, I didn’t ever talk much about our problems. But really, not many people do. I tried to see the best in everything, focus on the good stuff, and do what I could to make the bad stuff, better.

But it didn’t work and this is where I am now. I’m hurting, healing, and trying to smile, all at the same time. But back to my point, I’ve been quiet, but I don’t want to be.

I asked a friend of mine, why? If I have all these ideas, plans, content, and things to say, why am I feeling so restricted and closed off. She asked me if I had blogged about my divorce yet. And the simple answer was…

no.

She told me I was feeling inauthentic. She said that I wasn’t feeling up for sharing, blogging, and talking because I didn’t share about the divorce yet. And she was right.

So this is me, sharing. This is me opening up and being vulnerable about the hardest thing I have been through thus far. And you know what?

It’s still hard and it really hurts. But I want to heal. I want to grow. I want to be the me that loves, cares, and always finds a way. So that is what I’m doing.

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I’m finding my way, slowly. It’s a painstaking process and it’s far from over, but I’m doing it. And it’s not going to last forever. And you know what else? I’m gaining courage and strength from it.

And these things are coming from unexpected sources. For example, I made a public announcement about our divorce on Facebook, (partly because I have shared so much about Nick and I on Facebook throughout the years and also partly so I wouldn’t have to retell the story forever,) and I can barely begin to tell you how many people reached out to me.

Some pretty close friends had been through a divorce, and I had no idea. Others are literally going through the exact same thing as me, right now.

Perspective.

We are not alone in this world. We are not the only ones facing hardships. And when we share our story, it opens us up to additional support and love from our people.

I realize this also may open me up to scrutiny. Questions of, “Did you fight for your marriage?” were hard to hear.

All I know is this was the right thing. I don’t feel a “huge sense of relief,” and I’m not sure I ever will. But I do know one thing.

Time moves us forward, whether we like it or not. All you have to do it put one foot in front of the other, each day. And eventually the hurt and the memories will fade. The future plans you looked forward to will be changed into new plans and become a new life.

And this will be just another part of the past. I just remind myself to leave it there, so that I can look forward to my future.

Thanks for reading, following me on this journey, and supporting me. XOXO

 

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